Fallen Catholic (continued)

Sin is an idea whose usefulness has passed.  I do not say this as someone devoid of morality.  I say this as an uncommonly flawed, run of the mill bozo riding the bus to perdition.  If I could be Pope for a day, this would be my first edict:

“Pope Rodney of the Poopy Pants has decided that henceforth and forever, Catholics shall strike the phrase “mortal sin” from all subsequent theological intercourse.  The phrase “venial sin” shall also be stricken.  We shall hereby replace all such references with the following phrases.  “Jaw dropping stupidity” will now be the new phrase for mortal sin.  And “uncommonly dumb stuff” will be substituted for venial sin.    
Pope Rodney also has created a list of formerly sinful acts that will heretofore be considered completely without moral hazard.  

Masturbation
Homosexual copulation
Deviant sex acts of any kind between assenting adults
Cussing (Trust me, God doesn’t give a shit.)
Drinking
Teasing a cat
Divorce
Spitting in your sister’s lemonade (okay maybe this is still a sin)


Killing someone will be referred to as jaw dropping stupidity.  The consequences of murder purchase enormous grief for the perpetrator.  God seldom needs to step in and set the scales straight.  The killer almost always ends up miserable.  (unless the killee is a scourge on society...like a used car salesman)

Committing adultery is in a category all its own for stupidity.  It turns you into a cheater and a liar.  One cannot commit adultery without lying or cheating.  And life becomes a series of attempts to cover ones mounting shit pile of lies.  It is the great treadmill of karma.  The faster you run, the faster it catches up with you.  And just like George Jetson, you eventually end up flying around the treadmill while Astro and the cat watch with amusement.  

If we de-sin-afy ourselves and present sin for what it truly is, we can make great strides toward a more enlightened point of view.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know that the Catholic leadership will never realize that humor is the most powerful weapon in God’s arsenal.  But as a fallen Catholic I reserve the right to suggest common sense improvements in a way that shames these modern day pharisees out of their comfort zones.  A practicing Catholic would never be so blunt and straight forward.  

Just for balance I will also publish a list of new sins, er, I mean uncommonly dumb stuff.

It will be uncommonly dumb to :
Lay around in a filthy house
Short change a customer or cashier
Give a good waitress a ten percent tip
Drive slow in the fast lane
Harass your neighbor about YOUR parking slot
Wear spandex if you weigh more than Wilford Brimley
Drive close to a bicycle
Cheat at cards
Lie by leaving out important information (obfuscate)
Tell a beggar how not to spend the dollar you just gave him
Be rude to service personnel
Pretend your actions as a fan have the slightest impact on the game
Look down on others less fortunate, less educated, less good looking, less successful
Force your grown children to live by YOUR RULES just because they live with you
Slap or hit your child as a discipline strategy
Order your spouse around (Brag on them.  Don’t nag them!)

I am compiling a much longer list but I want to wait until I have more feedback from my degenerate readers before I publish it.  I may just turn it into a coffee table book with massive photographs and lurid illustrations.  Then I think I’ll lobby to have it included in the NEW and Improved New Testament.  

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Sin.


When Catholics think about sin they usually drift into all things sexual.  Of all the vices, sex is the only one that comes naturally.  Gambling, drinking, doing drugs are learned behaviors.  But sex is innate.  

When I was seven I remember climbing up the pole in the basement and feeling something weird in my groin.  It was quite pleasurable so I ran my legs up and down the pole in an effort to stimulate the reaction.  My Grandmother came down to check on me as saw me hunching the pole.  

“Stop that, Roddy.  That’s nasty!”

“What are you talking about, Grandmother?  This feels good!” I kept throwing my legs up and down as the sensation intensified.  

“Stop it!  Stop it!  That is nasty, young man.  Get down right now,” she said as she stifled a laugh.  

That little giggle was a big tell.  I began to move faster and faster.  Grandmother seemed to come unglued.  

“What in the world is the matter with you?”  she demanded.  

“Nothing.  Why are you laughing?”

I wasn’t being snotty.  I had no idea what was so funny.  And Grandmother could not keep a straight face long enough to get it out.  

“You can’t...You can’t...”

“What?  I can’t what, Grandmother?”  

“You can’t hunch on that pole, Roddy!  You are hunching.”

“Is that what I’m doing?  Wow.  I’ll have to do this more often.  It feels awesome.”

Grandmother gave up and went upstairs in a bit of a hurry.  After a few minutes my mom yelled down the steps.  

“Rod. Stop that right now.  Get down from there and never do that again.  Do you hear me young man?  I said stop it!”

“What?  Why?”

Silence.

And thus, my first lesson in human sexuality.  Great information told in a direct and healthy manner.