Friday, September 27, 2013

Are you in sales? Jesus, I am so sorry. Let me ask you something. Is it not the shittiest and the greatest job in the world? I mean don't you love calling someone and pretending to chitchat......

Hello? Elmer? It's Rod. Yeah …. again....hey I just thought of somethin...

(then you scramble around with your notes looking for some small talk topic that Elmer loves to talk about)

You know the last time we talked ( You find something scribbled on a pad that looks like bball.)
Seems like you told me you were a huge basketball fan.

Long pause.

I mean baseball fan. What? What? Oh yeah! Bocci ball! How could I forget that? I knew that.

Did I tell you about my New York.....oh.....I did.

Yes yes yes I understand.....I'm busy too! (They tell you to say you're busy even tho you've been trying to chitchat aimlessly and he knows this is a fucking sales call)

Huh? No, hell no. This is NOT a sales call. (They tell you to lie about it as if the guy on the other end is a complete moron.)

Definitely NOT!

Huh? Why was I calling? Uh......I was wondering if we could get together for some coffee..... on me!
(They always tell you that coffee saves everything....as if they are incapable of having coffee without sitting across from a fucking salesman....and the whole “I'm buyin'" shit is supposed to disarm them.)

What? Oh....you don't drink coffee......well how about.....you don't drink tea either. Why do I want to meet with you?  Uh....

Now you really are desperate, having hauled out the ace card, the coffee card. Your instinct is to fold but for some reason you hang on,,,,,hoping for divine inspiration.

Is there some kind of bocci channel on TV? No? I see. Well there sure as hell should be one don't you think? ….... No No Definitely NOT a sales call.

So when can we get together?

What do you mean “what for?” Suddenly, you go off script.

Pussy man! I need a wing man. Huh? What? You are? Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't mean....No, I had no idea......who? Me? Why would you think? ….... Oh......OH! Yeah. I get it. Yeah. I am so sorry.
Yeah. Hey I understand.
You have to get back.....yeah.....no big deal. Hey before you go could I ask one more question? Do you mind if I check back in a week or two.....(click)

How do you like that! The sonofabitch hung up on me!


Let me tell you something. Salesmen do not think you are stupid. Sales managers think you are stupid. They think everybody is stupider than they are. They are narcissistic egotistical megalomaniacs. They write these ridiculous scripts for you because they think their way is the only way.....despite the fact that every fucking salesman uses the same lame script every fucking time he calls someone. And they have been to a hundred sales seminars that sell the same baloney to the same gullible sales managers hoping to get rich off the same old, brand new, never before revealed high pressure sales techniques. Guaranteed!

Such incredible assholes!

Now don't get me wrong. I have a manager that does not believe this horse shit. He is a great guy and his team is outperforming all the others who try to use that horse shit. But he is the exception to this rule. He is a genuinely nice guy and he has lots of customers who buy from him because they trust him. And they trust him because he doesn't shovel horse shit. But believe me....he is the exception to the rule.

Which brings me to my theory of selling.  Here it is.  You ready?  Get them to like you by being straight with them.  Answer their questions directly.  Don't obfuscate.  (Look it up, asshole!)

Take a genuine interest and commiserate with their hardships.........




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