Part 4:  Jesus of Nazareth

Jesus was certainly no conservative.  Not by a longshot.  Jesus was a thorn in the side of his contemporary conservatives, the pharisees.  They truly hated him.  If he came back to us in this time, he would be hated by the conservatives and murdered all over again.  His message is universally radical and unequivocally liberal.  The most astounding makeover in history was the great Jesus makeover...the makeover that turned him into a conservative.  And if you listen to them, they will tell you how they did it.  

Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Go ahead brother, say his name.  Say it loud.  Tell him you love him.  That’s right.  Cause he gonna raise you up and bring you to heaven.  This is the evangelical dream.  Jesus is a rock star.  You say his name over and over again and you ignore his teachings.  You go to Church two or three times a week but you worry more about your bank account than your family.  You disobey every one of his commandments but you believe that all you have to do is declare Jesus your lord and savior and everything else will take care of itself.  Just believe, brother.  

The Jesus freaks are all about form and completely devoid of function.  They believe in believing.  They believe in confessing.  They believe in testifying.  They believe in revenge.  They believe in praising.  But they don’t believe in cussing.  And they especially do not believe that non christians can get to heaven.  

These people are the very same people Jesus attacked during his life.  They worry about all the little things.  But they ignore the big ones.  They are die hard capitalists.  They want lots of stuff.  They yell at their kids and fight with their neighbors and hate their marriages.  They hate peaceniks.  They love America.  They are proud people.  The meek better steer clear of them.  It’s their way or the highway.  They are ignorant of all religion other than their own.  They think poor people are poor because they are lazy.  But boy do they love their Jesus.  Gimme some Jesus.  Jesus is the answer.  Jesus Jesus, oh I can’t say it enough, Jesus.     

Humility, kindness, peace making, forgiveness, love, generosity...these are concepts they don’t have time for.  It’s so much easier to yell at your husband for not taking out the garbage.  It feels great criticizing your best friends new dress.  Fooling around with your secretary is something you just can’t resist.  But all you gotta do is shout out Jesus when your shallow life exposes itself to you.  Just get a quick religion high and then get back to reality.  Confess your sins and then go right back and commit them all over again.  Don’t worry, I got Jesus on my side!  

Why doesn’t it ever occur to these people that Jesus was man, not a slogan.  He was a peacenik, a humble, meek, socialistic, anti-wealth hippie who roamed the earth without a job or any ambition whatsoever.  So please, stop calling out his name.  It is disheartening to think that he would lift a finger for you while ignoring the evil that permeates this land.