Chapter 7: The Joy of Cussing

There is certainly no more satisfying form of expression than cussing. Vulgarities bring those of us who respect the working man closer together. If you have never wielded a shovel or cut a mitered edge into a two by four you probably have no idea what it means to be a part of the working class...a cusser. But Catholics have populated the factories and sweatshops of the American workforce for decades. Their contributions to the union cause are as endemic to their culture as bingo and fish fries. And if you work hard for a living like these people, you cuss.

So let's get something straight. It ain't no goddamn sin to cuss. Any mother fucker who says it is can get up off his white fluffy ass and take me on. The fucking ten commandments say absolutely nothing about cussing. Now don't get me wrong. I don't think you should walk into church and let any fucking word fly out of your mouth. Little old ladies cannot tolerate that kind of talk. It is not okay to cuss around grandma. But cussing is like Neosporin. It soothes and cleanses.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Bullshit. The language police were alive and doing well in Biblical times. It won't surprise you to know I cannot exempt Moses from my theory of embellishment. Just imagine how easy it would be for a story about Moses staring at fire embers to be turned into the burning bush story. I just don't buy the ten commandments and neither did Jesus. He boiled them down to just two.

If I want to say a few well placed goddammits, nobody is gonna tell me it's a sin. When I say goddammit it is no more blasphemous than saying motherfucker. In fact, it is far less offensive than motherfucker. There is nothing vain about my use of that phrase. And it is never intended as a slam to God. He already knows that. All of us old school Catholics cuss all the time every day and God is right there with us. Hell, Jesus was a fucking carpenter for crying out loud. There is no more expert cusser on earth than a goddam carpenter.

Now just hold on a minute. Don't get excited. I just wanted you to take a minute to see what it was like to treat God like a friend instead of a megalomaniacal monarch. If he is friendly, he is at least as friendly as I am. Right? And if he is like my father then he loves to tell dirty jokes and make me laugh. Right? After all, who invented sex? Who invented humor?

The point I am trying to make is that the Catholic Church has done an excellent job of formalizing God to the point of turning him into something distant and condescending. And of all the stupid ideas promulgated by the Church that one is the most destructive. I treat God like a friend. I yell at him when I am mad and ask him frank questions. Why don't you? Why not put him on the grill every now and then? Hey God, would you mind paying attention to the Palestinians for a few seconds? Would it kill you to send them some guidance? Hey God, I know you are busy making Tebow's life a fucking NFL dream but would you mind helping my neighbor with her chemo treatments?